I sat at the computer in my apartment, writing yet another cover letter for my résumé, for yet another potential job. The pressure mounted inside of me.
This is what it feels like to be a college graduate?
Only a couple of weeks past graduation day, I felt lost. For four years, graduation was the goal. I worked hard to complete my degree and looked forward to the possibilities.
The problem? I had no idea where to start. And I had no idea what I wanted to do. I felt like I had been dropped off in an open field with no clue where to go.
Fourteen years later and I find myself at similar crossroads. After working for eleven years, I became a stay-at-home mom three years ago. I had realized during my working years that my passion was in writing and teaching the Bible, and after I made the decision to stay home, I set my sights on pursuing this dream once both children were in school.
Which happened a week ago.
I had set such high hopes for myself. Desires and ideas bubbled inside of me for years that I pushed aside and said to myself, “When Alyssa is in school you can do that.”
Except, it hasn’t turned out exactly like I planned. Similar to my first days after college graduation, I again picture myself in an open field with no idea where to go first.
My deepest desire is to write Bible studies that equip women to study the Bible on their own. But publishers won’t consider my work unless I have a gazillion social media followers. I also enjoy blogging, though sometimes I feel like my voice is just one in a sea of millions. Over the past year I’ve begun blogging about my garden and providing resources for beginning gardeners, which I have enjoyed immensely! But what part does that play in the overall scheme of my passion to teach the Bible?
Instead of feeling like the pistol just went off and I’m pushing off the starting blocks, my feet feel anchored to the track.
To say that I’ve been asking God for direction is quite the understatement. My spiritual state has been more akin to a toddler throwing a tantrum, thinking all the noise I’m making will surely prod Him to answer me.
When my children were little and would get worked up about something, I found myself holding them close, calmly telling them to relax. Once they stopped crying and flailing, I could help them with their problem.
If you’re like me, your tendency is to seek God’s will for your life before seeking God. There’s a huge difference between the two, yet it’s not always easy to spot.
Is God Enough?
I began to prayerfully ask myself these questions:
If I shut my site down; if I stopped writing Bible studies; if no one read a word I wrote; if I didn’t teach another class; if I didn’t speak in front of another group… would God be enough?
Ouch. I sure haven’t been acting like it, have I?
What is it that you have been seeking direction in? If you never get an answer, is God enough? If you never get to pursue that dream, is God enough? If your prayer isn’t answered in the way you hope, is God enough?
Our Greatest Need
Sometimes I think our wise, loving Father withholds answers and direction from us because He knows our greatest need is Him. How many times have I wrestled and struggled, and only once I let go did I see God move? Too many to count.
We have to understand in the recesses of our soul that He is enough, even if all is stripped away. Even if the answers don’t come. Even if we have to wait.
Today, am I ever grateful for my Father’s loving guidance. His patience. And His fierce love that won’t let us settle for less than His best — Himself.